The short version is this:
I had a miscarriage today. It was painful and sad. It wasn't what we wanted, but I am fine.
I will not hold that baby in April.
But I am at peace and it is well with my soul.
And being at peace during hard things...is an awesome feeling.
I can experience this peace only by God's grace.
The long version is here:
(It is full of words and thoughts and maybe ramblings.
I hope that God can use it for His glory, somehow.)
I have always had this really bad habit. I'll be honest with ya'll.
Something would happen that would hurt me. My thoughts would re-play that thing.
I would drift into that downward spiral of depression and hide out, not talk, hurt in private.
Until much time went by and God would hear my cries.
And over again, He would bring me up out of that horrible pit,
out of that miry clay,and put my feet upon a rock and establish my goings.
And, well, that is so amazing! He just kept rescuing me/keeps rescuing me.
God is so patient. I have been such a poor student.
But I think God is tired of doing that for me over and over and over.
(Well, He certainly should be.) So this is what He did.
He gave me a verse back around April that went like this:
Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?
I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert. Is 43:18-19
So I took hold of that verse and clung to it with dear life.
I became as excited as a little kid around Christmas time.
God was going to do something new!!! I am all about something new.
The old is really tiresome and heavy.
So I waited.
And, trying to help Him out, I made a list of things I hoped He would do (in my head).
Things that He might be planning. (Like that kid at Christmas).
Yet, surprisingly I got more depressed as I focused hard on that list. My list. My plans.
It just made me feel like I lacked. Like I was missing out. It wasn't working.
So I put my list on the altar of God. On my knees, I gave it as a sacrifice. It didn't start out as an easy thing to do. But as I prayed, it became the only thing to do. I asked Him to exchange my paltry list for His. And so He did. Gladly. (I thing maybe God likes that kind of prayer. Do you think?)
And then God ....yes God. Not me. He gave me something from His awesome list.
That gift is a jewel called contentment.(I wonder how long He has wanted to give it to me? How many years He waited for me to ask. I wonder how excited He was that I was ready for His will much much more than mine?)
His first gift to me has been awesome.It is light, and wonderful and healing. It has changed me and I never want to lose it. Wow. And I was a little afraid of what He might 'do to me'. Lol!
And funny thing. He threw in something from the top of my old, scrunched up list, just for fun.
Just cuz He can.
He opened my womb. Only He does this, ladies. This I know.
So Oh my goodness! How amazing it that?
And I did good, folks. I kept my focus on the Giver and not the gifts.
I cherished Him; everyday, learning and thirsting and gleaning with joy.
I cherished this new found contentment. It has changed me. It is peace. It is joy. It is letting go.
And it is so light. Do you like light? I do. Very much!
So God did a miracle. He taught this 'old dog' a new trick. He transformed my old heart.
And this miracle (being content in His will) will get me through anything, I'm thinking.
He will get me through anything.
Which brings us to today.
Today I had a miscarriage.
But I am ok. I was bearable. It wasn't complicated. (I've had complicated.)
Quite possibility I will not carry another baby in my womb. Ever.That's reality. I am not so young.
Tom and the kids were really excited too. It is our loss. We will share a grief together as a family.
It will affect us. Pain has brushed by us,but we are not burned.
But that's all the bad I can list off, try as hard as I can.
You see, I have a new heart...
God saved me, and anything more is more than I deserve. Extra. A bonus.
And my life is heaped and piled with bonuses.
He daily loadeth me with benefits. Praise ye the Lord.
God is so kind. He gave me 9 1/2 weeks of carrying life!
It was so, so worth it. I am completely blessed. I will ponder that time of pregnancy in my heart always, and cherish it. I have such good memories from it. And as a student of the King, I learned so much.
I cannot stop praising Him for looking down and hearing my heart,and changing my life. If He can change such a stubborn and selfish heart as mine, He can surely meet whatever need you have.Seriously.
So that's my testimony. That's my miscarriage story. Did you notice it does not have a sad ending?
That's because I let Him help with the writing of it. What a difference that makes, my sisters.
Our days are about life and loss. Joys and griefs.
May we, by God's grace maintain the 'life' amidst the 'losses', and may the 'joy' override the 'grief'.
For His glory.
25 comments:
Oh Pam I am so sorry. I read the 'long' version and I thank you for sharing it. Your faith is amazing. And I have a really strong feeling that what you wrote will definitely carry God's glory to others. My prayers, are with you and so is my love as you move through this.
Warmly,
Tricia
This time word girl, as you called me, :) is going to do something different too. I will listen and learn.
Love xxxxx
S
Hugs. Sending love, thoughts and prayers from MN.
Admiration, Hope and Love,
Nancy
Thinking of you and pray you continually feel the loving arms of the Father wrapped around you.
Pam,
I don't quite know the words to say! I'm so sorry for this loss...but what an amazing testimony you have shared about the Lord's work in your life. You have touched my heart today, and I will be praying for you!
Blessings,
sara
You have no idea how much your post spoke to me tonight. I am so sorry for your loss dear sister. Thank you for sharing your heart with your readers. I look up to you in many ways. Thank you for being a Titus2 woman to me. My heart aches for another baby. My heart should ache for Him and His will more. Thank you!
Dear Pam, you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are so brave and I admire your peace. God bless you!
You are one AMAZING sister!! My heart aches for your loss, but your testimony is so full of life. I am proud to call you my friend and I only hope that I can grab hold of the things you have!
((((HUGS)))) and love to you & your family, Pam!!!!
{{{{{hugs}}}}} Pam! Oh! How I feel for you... I'm empathizing (been there several times) and praying....
I'm so sorry, Pam. God took our Little One home at 9 1/2 weeks also. It's been two months, and I know the peace that you speak of, though the momma's heart...well, it is forever changed.
blessings in the days to come, and praising God for His mercy toward you~
Kathy
Pam,
Yes, that rare jewel of contentment. What beautiful lessons God has taught you in this process. I'm praising Him with you that you had those weeks of carrying your precious baby, and I'm praising God for giving you peace and calm.
Oh, my heart aches for you, and I'm praying for you....
Oh, Pam, I am sorry for your loss, and I'm grateful to get a chance to "see" the hope that is in you. You are a blessing.
And I'll be praying for you.
God bless you. You are in my prayers Pam.
Pam...I pray your strength in your faith to continue...you are a wonderful example! Please keep sharing :)
Thanks all. I am laying low now as some hemorrhaging was happening Sunday when I tried to go to church. Duh. I learned my lesson. Now I am sitting and directing the home. A little humbling, but the family will learn many things by 'serving' and I will learn by 'sitting'. God bless you. Your words are very uplifting.
(Just need to drink lots of water to work up that blood loss, and blood pressure volume (low). Also headaches. But this will pass.)
Dear Student of God,
Love, love to you! Went through two of these, very complicated, between no. 14 and 15--we were wondering if getting pregnant would mean the end of my life.
Now we have these two "miracle" little people running around. It was a great leap to be willing to trust again.
As for the blood loss--black strap molasses and alfalfa tabs--you probably already know this, but just in case (both are incredibly cheap).
Wish I could hold you, in a wordless way. Sorry these words are all I have to offer. Praying.
Blessings,
Sherry
Thanks for sharing that Sherry. You have bolstered my faith.
Yes, molasses and good food, I like chloraphyll water, but alfalfa is from the same origin. Good thoughts.
Lots of water has taken the bad headaches away too. Yay!
God bless, sister. Got the hug.
Pam, I don't know you, but love reaing your blog and getting close to you in that way. My heart goes out to yo as you recover from this loss. Sometimes the physical aspects of the loss is as hard as the emotional. You sound incredibly strong right now and I pray you continue to be even when the enemy comes to destroy what God has done in your heart. So sorry for your family's loss. I know it will be hard on you all in the coming days. Blessings and prayers to you and your family during this time,
Niki
For the second time in a month I hear of God using a Miscarriage for HIS Glory.
Praise be to God.
Thinking of you at this both difficult, but blessed time. xxx
Cilla. That is an excellent point.
I think God would love to use all difficult and unattractive, hurtful and messy things for His Glory. He can make them into something worthy. For His glory. It is awesome.
So sorry to hear about this. Another soul to glorify and praise His name. We are vessels that Our Lord uses to bring forth life--how great it was that you gave life to one more soul for eternity.
I'm happy and sad for you all at the same time! So pleased that you've responded to the Lord's gentle leadings for your best, sad that this lesson is oh so painful.
Your thoughts and reflections sound so similar to mine about 5 years ago... 7 days before we left for the US for furlough to have a baby (baby was 17wks), I miscarried. Jesus took him home. We still had to travel, babyless. Strangely, (for those who don't know HIS tender touch) I was the most at peace sadly content person I've ever been before or since. The Lord's grace is so rich.
It is such an encouragement to be reminded, and I'm so thankful that He's covered you, that your faith is growing and that you are able to rejoice in HIS goodness. So glad.
Something I had to hold on to in the subsequent months was this: Any time you're tempted to be jealous of His plan for another, remember to trust His grace for you.
Yours,
amy in peru
When I read the other day about your difficulty finding a heart beat I was worried about you as I'd had a similar experience and outcome in 2007... the dr. called it a "blighted ovum" -- the fetal pole develops and then all of a sudden, for some unknown reason, it stops. I'm okay about it now but I still often think of the missing child - especially at the end of Nov. when I had the miscarriage and in July when he or she would have arrived. Glad it wasn't "difficult" this time and that you are open to God's work in your life. Again, I'm sorry... Denise in Saskatchewan
Pam, I read this post this last weekend, and cried for you. I found out last Wednesday that I was pregnant. I know now that the Lord directed me to that post this week as a merciful whisper of things to come. I am miscarrying for the first time as I write. And though the tears are flowing, I still feel so blessed. I feel His presence with me, and I know He is in control at all times, and trustworthy at all times. Thank you for sharing your own experience. Your words mean so much.
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